


No more monsters, I can breathe again

by manesalex



Series: Resentment [8]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alex Manes Deserves Nice Things, Alex Manes Needs a Hug, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Background Isabel Evans/Kyle Valenti, Dead Jesse Manes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jesse Manes is His Own Warning, Jesse Manes is a War Crime, M/M, Michael Guerin Loves Alex Manes, Minor Character Death, Referenced Manipulation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24476815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manesalex/pseuds/manesalex
Summary: Jesse Manes dies and Alex is numb.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Series: Resentment [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1712398
Comments: 12
Kudos: 121





	No more monsters, I can breathe again

_Dad’s dead_. Two simple words on the screen of his phone.

Flint is the one who texted him, to his surprise. So he passes the message along to Gregory with an added promise to send him the details about the funeral.

As far as Alex can tell, Michael doesn’t seem to know how to respond. He knows Michael wants to celebrate, but he’s holding back, waiting for Alex’s reaction.

Alex doesn’t know how he feels. He doesn’t know if he should feel relief or joy or grief. Mostly, he just feels numb. And he can tell how much that’s grating on Michael, can sense him getting more and more on edge, concern for Alex warring with rage toward Alex’s father. If Alex could make himself react, could react the _right_ way, he would. But he _can’t_.

It’s the day before the funeral and Alex is packing up a bag to go to Roswell. He’ll be staying at the cabin maybe. Or crashing at Kyle’s, if his friend insists.

He can sense Michael practically vibrating with anger as he watches. And then the explosion that Alex has been anticipating happens, “You’re actually going to that monster’s funeral?!”

“He’s my father,” Alex’s tone is as cold and even as Michael’s is angry and he knows that will only push Michael further, but he can’t seem to stop it.

“He’s a piece of shit!”

“I know what he is,” Alex says, not looking away from the things he’s putting in his bag. “I’ll never forgive him for what he did to you. Or your family. But he’s still my father.” He tosses the last few things he needs in his bag and zips it up. “I’ll be back in a few days,” he promises as he lifts up his bag. Then he closes the distance between himself and Michael, leaning in for a kiss, flinching when Michael pulls away. “I love you,” he tells him. And then he walks out the door and to his SUV.

His mind spends the entire drive to Roswell tormenting him with the way Michael pulled away from him.

* * *

The funeral is full of people play-acting. People who feel like they had to be there out of respect for Master Sergeant Manes. People pretending to grieve when they’re not.

The only people who actually seem to be truly grieving are Flint and Clay. The two sons Jesse had most successfully molded into his image.

Neither Gregory nor his mom are even there. But Kyle is by his side, his brother by choice, not by blood, and it makes him feel a little less alone.

Kyle doesn’t ask if he’s okay, doesn’t push, just sticks by him through the funeral, as people walk up to him and give him their condolences like they’re not all lying. But it’s okay. Alex knows how to play the part of a dutiful son, even if he’s never really been one.

And, much to his surprise, Isobel is there as well, standing on Alex’s other side, like she’s guarding him from something. He wonders if Michael asked her to come. Maybe he just hopes Michael had, that he’s not as angry as he seemed when Alex left.

He still doesn’t feel much of anything. Everything is cold and numb and empty, the sounds of the sermon fading in and out, the empty condolences after his father’s body is in the ground.

Kyle and Isobel guide him back toward Isobel’s car, Kyle promising he’ll bring the SUV back to his place.

The car is silent for a minute or two while Isobel drives. Until she says, “My brother doesn’t get it. Neither one of them does, really.” She pauses, before saying, “When Noah died, I let them believe it was simple. They needed it to be. And then Max died and I didn’t have time to grieve for the man I married. The man I thought I married. He never existed, not really, but I… I have years of memories of him. This man who wasn’t real. I know he was manipulating me the entire time, but I still remember those days he’d buy me flowers just because or surprise me with breakfast in bed.

“My point is, I still lost the man I thought I married. It wasn’t simple. So it’s okay if it’s not simple for you either.”

“My father was a monster,” Alex says simply.

“And he was still your father,” Isobel replies. “Even if he was the shittiest father ever and you have no positive memories of him, it’s okay to grieve for the father you should have had. Or to grieve for Flint and Clay, who loved him.”

“When did you get so wise?” he asks Isobel. He remembers the girl who thought image was the only thing that mattered, who ignored everyone who wasn’t good enough to fit in her world. He knows she hasn’t been that person for a while, but he still hasn’t seen this side of her before.

“I lost everything I thought mattered,” she replies simply. And then, with a smile, “And I’m dating a walking, talking, self-help manual.” She pauses before adding, “Don’t tell Kyle I called him that.”

“My lips are sealed,” Alex promises.

* * *

Kyle is at work, Isobel is at her own home, and Alex is just sitting on Kyle’s couch, staring blankly at the TV. He put some comedy show on as background and the laugh track is grating, but it’s better than silence.

“I’m an idiot.” Alex nearly jumps at the interruption, looking around wildly for the threat he shouldn’t have missed. To his surprise, Michael is standing at the door of Kyle’s apartment, looking completely lost.

“You’re not-” he starts after he finally calms down.

“I am,” Michael interrupts, moving to the couch to sit next to Alex. “He was your dad. And I was selfish. I was blinded by what he is to me. I should have remembered what he is to you. Or what he was supposed to be, anyway.”

“I’ll never forgive him for what he did to you,” Alex’s voice is soft as he reaches forward and takes Michael’s hand, tracing the healed fingers.

“I know. And I’ll never forgive him for what he did to you,” Michael replies easily. “I forget that sometimes. I’m too focused on how he robbed me of my mother. But… He robbed you of yours too. And of the father you should have had.”

“Michael,” Alex starts, planning to brush away his comments.

“I’m serious, Alex,” Michael reaches out with his free hand to cup Alex’s cheek, thumb brushing featherlight circles on his cheekbone, making Alex’s breath catch. “You amaze me, you know. After everything he did to you, you’re still so kind and generous and _good_. You are the best person I know. And, even after him, you look for the good in people. You see the good in _me_ , even when I don’t deserve it.”

“You always deserve it, Michael.” Alex is as certain of this as he is of anything. Michael is a good man. A better man than he deserves.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you today,” Michael says softly, letting go of Alex’s hand and reaching around his shoulders, pulling him close. “I was being selfish.”

“You’re here now,” Alex replies, resting his head on Michael’s shoulder, soaking in that inhuman warmth, the smell of rain, the feeling of home.

“I’m here now,” Michael repeats. “And I love you.” Alex can feel Michael’s lips pressing against the top of his head.

And, suddenly, Alex starts to cry, great heaving sobs, tears pouring down his face as he gasps for air.

Later, Alex won’t be able to explain what made him cry. He won’t be able to make sense of it, whether it was grief for the father he should have had, the childhood he should have had, or just sheer relief that the monster who haunted his worst nightmares is finally gone. All he knows is that Michael holds him the entire time until he cries himself to sleep, his own sobs and that obnoxious laugh track the only sounds he hears.


End file.
